When is the right time to seek assisted living?

When is the right time to seek assisted living?

How do we know when the time has come for Mom or Dad to leave their home and seek assisted living?  Maybe they’ve had an incident in the house; a fall on the stairs, a medication mishap, a plumbing disaster.  If we are fortunate, the idea to move usually begins with one small event.  The less fortunate usually experience crisis and often that crisis is related to health.

Only a few Americans make moves to senior living communities when they are fully independent.  The percentage of people who plan for growing older is less than 5%.  If you have not made the decision to move to a senior community that offers care, you could benefit from receiving the help of a professional senior housing & care referral agent.  With this person’s assistance, you can explain what you are seeking and receive helpful feedback to know what options exist in our community.

Experience tells us that those willing to plan ahead will have a better quality of life and certainly a larger part in the decision to move, if and when it becomes necessary.  The adult children of aging and frail parents are often faced with the task of convincing them that moving from their home will be necessary to prolong their life.

For many older adults, asking for help is a sign of failure riddled with shame.  Many had one job, one spouse, one house. Change does not come easy.  Some fought in combat, raised large families and owned businesses.  The idea of not being able to live independently in their own home is not only strange and frightening, but when the suggestion to move comes from your child, it is an unwelcome request.

We hear many adult children say, “My parents are getting so frail, it seems like I’m the parent.”  Understanding that your parents are adults and have ideas and input that deserves to be heard will help you broach the topic of moving. You may not be able to convince them of anything.  They may have to arrive at the decision on their own.  You can, however, take the lead in this often difficult project.

You might call upon a long standing business associate or even a friend who has successfully made the move.  Often a trusted friend or physician can help.  Many people view their doctor’s as authority figures (and they are not family), which makes it easier for the older adult to accept the recommendation to move.
As adult children, we must be cautious not to “tell” our parents what’s best for them.  They are, after all, our parents…and we will always be their children.  If you have been doing double duty shopping, taking them to the doctor, doing their yard work, helping with financial arrangement, telling them these things may help them to begin to understand how this impacts your life.  This will be especially pertinent if you are a member of the sandwich generation caring for your own children at the same time.

Help your parents feel that the decision is theirs.  The earlier you open the discussion the easier it may be.  Starting earlier will also give you the ability to have this conversation multiple times, as it will probably require several iterations to get the concept of moving seated and not frightening.  It seems that what our parents fear most is losing control.  The longer they wait to make a decision the more inevitable that loss of control will be.

The very best time to seek assisted living is before a crisis occurs.  When a person is in crisis, not all senior living communities will be willing to admit a resident who is not fully stable; whereas, if the move-in occurs before a crisis arises, there are already staff members ready to provide care and support.