How To Talk To An Older Adult About Assisted Living

It’s rare that people view themselves as “old” or frail. From our own perspective, we tend to feel younger and more capable than we may actually be. The thought that at any moment our care needs could change drastically, rarely enters our minds.

Something that people don’t tend to consider is that a sudden and drastic shift in your health can come very quickly as a result of injury or illness, however for the most part aging is a slow process. This means that someone might grow old without ever realizing it. When someone doesn’t realize that they have in fact grown older, this is where denial often sets in.

Because we are a society who prides itself on independence, growing older and relying upon others for assistance is not something most people want to do. In the Pacific Northwest in particular, there are a high percentage of seniors who attempt to be fully independent.

Starting the conversation about a future or upcoming move can be a challenging experience. As the older adult may be in denial about their diminishing capacity to care for themselves, and because they likely value their independence, they are often not interested in hearing reasons as to why they should move. As a rule, people don’t like change, so the prospect of moving not only sounds unpleasant, but the possibility of change can be a prospect that strikes fear into people.

If you have the luxury of time to have the conversation, start sooner rather than later. Having a long, two hour discussion and convincing a parent it is time to move is most often not an effective tactic. The best way to have the discussion is over a longer period of time, allowing the older adult to know that:

1. You recognize that change is difficult and possibly frightening.
2. You would also want to remain independent if you were the person making the move.
3. You will be working alongside the older adult, and their input will be listened to, and you have no intention of “putting” them somewhere.

Many people don’t have the luxury of time to have this conversation. Families are often faced with the need to make a change within the next several days, or at least within the next 30 days. What’s important is not to make a sudden change without getting the help of a professional who can understand your family’s needs and find the best option that will suit your needs. Keep in mind that in-home care can always be arranged with 24-hour notice, and may even serve as a moderate to longer-term option rather than moving.

It is common for seniors to be fearful that their children will place them in a nursing home. The majority of seniors aren’t aware of what Assisted Living actually is. Once they pay a visit to a community, they are often pleasantly surprised to see that such a gracious and supportive lifestyle exists. Getting them to consider their options, though, is not an easy prospect.

The most important part of the process is taking your parents to view communities which meet their specific needs. In an ideal situation you would want to narrow the list down to no more than three options, but certainly more than one. To narrow your search, it’s a wise choice to get in touch with a Housing & Care Advisor. With their help, you can make sure the options you are considering are options that meet all of your desired criteria. Call CHOICE for the name of an Advisor who lives in your specific area.

When speaking with your parent, a key point to communicate to them is that you care for their safety and well-being. Often older adults in that situation will tell you that they’re “just fine,” or they may even become angry; but getting the message across to them that they are affecting other people other than just themselves is important. In other words, if your parent living alone causes you stress because you’re worried about them, it’s important to tell them that. Not only for the purpose of telling them you care, in some cases, the guilt an older adult feels by worrying their family is enough reason to at least take a look at the options.

A discussion about what the actual move will look like is an important step. Most older adults believe they will need to be the ones to do the physical move themselves. They might not be aware of others wanting to help them move, or they may not want help at all. They may need time to consider what exactly the move will entail, or just take time to accept what is happening. Something that can comfort an older adult in this situation is explaining what you, their adult child, will do to help with this move, and the resources and convenience a moving company can provide.

Even if the older adult doesn’t like any of the communities you looked at, it is still important to get them out looking. This process of looking over the options gives the older adult valuable time to envision themselves making the move as well as acquiring more concrete information. A common statement around this time is your parents saying “I don’t want to live around all these old people!”. While this may seem contradictory there is often a deeper purpose. Your parent is likely telling you just how they feel, perhaps they don’t feel old, want to feel old, or they have a fear of being considered “needy”.

Another major topic of consideration is what to do with the current apartment, condo, or house they are currently living in. Some older adults find comfort in having the option to return to their previous living arrangement. If that idea is financially viable to you, then you may wish to be supportive of it. Others might not be in a position financially to support this. On the other side of things, some people do much better “moving on with life” closing down one part of life and moving on to another. Encouragement is key; you want the older adult to be on board with the idea, you can’t force someone move, and you can’t make them want to move either.

Now the question comes of “What should I do if my parent is not safe to live alone?” Arranging for in-home care is a good alternative to moving to an Assisted Living community. Offering the choice to your parents of having someone “check in on them” or to “consider a move to a place that offers services” is a good way to introduce the idea of moving. Whenever specific options are offered, it’s usually a good idea to offer two or three other options, so that they don’t feel the decision has been made for them. People accept changes more readily if they feel involved in the decision making process

What do you do if your loved one is not able to make their own decisions due to memory loss or low energy? This is complex and sometimes delicate situation. When an older adult first exhibits a decline in energy or has signs of memory loss, they are often unwilling to move at that point. The fears the older adult might have of leaving their familiar environment can be magnified, and in some cases rightfully so. A fear that some people have in this situation is that if they leave their familiar environment that they slip further into dependence and relying upon others for help.

This is a fear with some underlying reality. When a person has memory loss or fragile health, sometimes they can take one of two steps backwards after a move occurs. Fortunately humans are creatures of habit, and are readily able to adapt to all kinds of circumstances. Usually within a month to six months most people grow accustomed to their new surroundings. A common sentiment after the move is the thought of “I’m not sure why I didn’t make the move sooner – I really should have done this years ago!”

When speaking with your parents or older adult loved ones, remember to be patient but firm with your statements. Your own feelings of guilt can cloud what you know really needs to happen. If a move to an assisted living or the hiring of in home care is delayed, there could be a serious accident or emergency. When in crisis, the options presented to you are much more limited. It is much better to plan ahead and make a move before a crisis occurs.

Key to a smooth transition is honesty and a constant confirmation from everyone that this move is not easy and that you understand that this is a difficult transition.

CHOICE Advisory Services is a FREE senior care referral agency.

We help define the options that will be of greatest interest to you.

call 7 days a week: 800-361-0138 or email us at bestcare@choiceadvisory.com