Moving an elderly parent to be closer to family

At age 89, Jim Clark found his life changed in a spark of a moment.  It wasn’t a stroke or illness that changed his life, but rather a fire in his home where he was living in upstate New York.

Damage from the smoke and water made it necessary for Jim to start completely over.  “It was really a shock,” says Jim.  “I had grown accustomed to my routines, and I was living comfortably.  I didn’t really have a choice in the matter, though, I had to move to an apartment and start all over with everything new.  The fire took everything I had.”

Committed to a life-long journey of purposeful living from yoga and meditation, swimming and exercise, Jim still found himself shaken by the change. Nina, his supportive and caring daughter lives in Seattle, and she noticed when speaking with him on the phone that Jim was struggling to find balance once again in his life.  She attributed the anxiety to her father’s change in living arrangement.

Over the next few months, Jim and Nina had normal conversations by phone or on Facetime on a regular basis.  “I didn’t really think there was anything wrong with Dad.  By phone he seemed to be finding a new life in his new home.”

Nina says she was surprised to receive a call about a year after Jim’s move.  The call came was from one of Jim’s close friends in New York.  She reported that Jim was acting differently, and that he had been in a car accident.  She also let Nina know that this was not the first car accident.  There had been two other ones that Jim had not mentioned to Nina.  Jim’s friend suggested Nina make a trip out to New York to check in on her dad in person.

“I thought I was just going to New York to check in my dad and to pay him a visit.  I took my daughter along so she could see her grandfather too.  My father had always been such an independent and strong person, and he sounded fine by phone, so it never occurred to me that he may not be doing well.  When I got there, I could see that he was not able to communicate well.  His apartment wasn’t in good shape, and he had lost a lot of weight.  He certainly couldn’t drive any longer; not only because he could hurt himself, but he was endangering other people.  And there were other signs that he wasn’t doing well on his own.  When we cooked a meal he devoured the food and mentioned how good it was to have a home-cooked meal.  Looking in his refrigerator and cupboards confirmed he wasn’t eating well.

During her visit, Nina and Jim talked about alternate options.  One option she posed was moving to Seattle to be closer to her and her two children.  He didn’t give an answer right away, but by the next morning, he had made up his mind.  He was resolute on making yet another big move by starting a new life in Seattle.

“It’s not easy making that kind of move.  I left behind friends and places that are very important to me,” admits Jim.  “But it was the right thing to do.  We need to be closer to family when we get older.  It wouldn’t be right to expect my family to get on a plane and come and take care of me every time I needed help.”

Nina says it took her dad a couple of months to adjust to living in an adult family home in Lynnwood.  Five other elderly residents live in this home where caregiving staff are always present.

Jim says, “I have given up some of my independence, but I haven’t stopped living.  I still swim and exercise.  I enjoy going out and having my family visit.  It’s just a normal part of life and the natural progression of things.”

For Nina and her two children, having Jim just a few minutes away is a blessing.  “We didn’t even realize how much help Dad needed until he got to the adult family home.  They helped manage his incontinence, and they helped his skin and health return to wellness.  With staff monitoring his meds and keeping him active and talking, Jim returned to being himself once again.   He started getting active in all of his previous interests.

“I am grateful for the caregiving staff who care for my father” says Nina.  “What I appreciate most is that we have become a family.  The staff takes on the responsibility of keeping Dad groomed, toileted and fed.  That allows me and my children to have meaningful and comfortable visits with my dad.  The time we’re together is valuable and enjoyable.  It is because we placed our trust in others to support us that we have all been able to find a good balance once again in our lives.  And when we’re not with him, he has others around him.  He’s content once again.”

CHOICE helped Nina and Jim find the adult family home where he was welcomed with open arms.  In May of 2016 he will have lived in the adult family home for two years.  “This all had to happen, just as it did,” says Jim.  He smiles and relaxes into his chair.  Now 92, he is pleased with the decisions he’s made.

Not all older adults are as open to the idea of moving across country or moving to a senior care community or home.  When a senior makes such a dramatic move from their previous home, it is critical to work with a senior housing and care advisor to consider all the options and to be aware of what this change entails.  Call CHOICE at 800-361-0138 for free assistance and support.